Missing You

 Song - Time to Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli & Sarah Brightman

 

I have been waiting for the day to share with you about what has been going on in my life lately.....beside Covid.....beside California wildfires.....and smoke.....beside 100+ degree weather.

 

My last post was July 1st. 

 

The very next day we got the unexpected news that my mom Betty was very ill and in just three short weeks she passed away. 

 

A few days ago her home and the house that my family have lived in since 1956 sold. For the last few weeks my brother and I have gone through our family belongings.  Nothing of real monetary value, mostly fond memories.......the best.  

 

It brought us closer working through the grief, remembering fun times, giving items to family members and getting rid of the rest, laughing and crying. Her faithful little dog Buddy was re-homed to a loving family in Sacramento and they are all so happy to be together.  

 

The birds that mom fed have missed her as well as they keep coming to the feeders and the windows wondering where she is.  

I struggled with posting about this as it felt to dear to me and I was still too tender.  

 

I trusted myself to wait until the right time came.  I even thought about just starting up again with a happy post about a flower and act like nothing had happened.  But in the last few days it came to me.....YOU know exactly how this place feels.  You have been here at some point in your life so you know. And that is why I needed to share with you so that you know you are not alone.

 

 

"The reality is that you will grieve forever.  

You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; 

you will learn to live with it. 

You will heal and you will rebuild yourself 

around the loss you have suffered.  

You will be whole again 

but you will never be the same.  

Nor should you be the same 

nor should you want to."

                                            --Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Through Thick and Thin

Song - The Puppy Song by Harry Nilsson

Mika   2003 - 2016

“And it is exceedingly short, his galloping life. 

Dogs die so soon. 

I have my stories of that grief, no doubt many of you do also. 

It is almost a failure of will, 

a failure of love, to let them grow old

—or so it feels. 

We would do anything to keep them with us, 

and to keep them young. 

The one gift we cannot give.” 

 -- Mary Oliver "Dog Songs"

Suzie Q

Song - Suzie Q by Creedence Clearwater Revival

My sweet cousin Susan passed away Thursday morning and I began reminiscing about the fun times that we had together.

Susan is in the center of her family with her arm around her dad - 1958

In the 60's my Aunt and Uncle would rent a cabin near Donner Lake. My family used to go and stay with them sometimes.
 

I am on the left & Susan on the right -  in some very short dresses!  Oh my!!!

All of the cousins took water skiing lessons from a little old lady who worked at Donner Lake (now that I think of it she was probably all of 52). I remember her having us stand on the beach with our skis on and hold onto the tow rope.  She would pull us right into the water off the beach and you never had to work at standing up! Nor did you get wet!!

Probably not safe anymore......and probably wasn't safe then either.  Kind of like how fun it was to sit on the tailgate of dad's station wagon with our feet dangling near the road all the way home from the swimming pool.

 At the cabin one night, my older brother David and cousin Bill were supposed to be babysitting us and our two younger brothers while our parents went out for dinner.

Susie is the one with the party hat on and that's me next to her with the braids

Well, this particular night we were all in our bedrooms getting ready for bed.  Susan and I were sharing a room on the second floor and Bill & David had the room right next door.

We are in the forest, it's very dark and we hear a scratching on our bedroom window.  Someone was trying to get inside.  How can this be - we are on the second floor?  A bear perhaps?

David with his arm lovingly draped around Susan leg

We scream, head for the door and the door handle comes off in Susan's hand. We fall to the floor, wet our pants and when the boys open the door for us, they were laughing hysterically and holding a very long stick..............they had to do the dishes for a week!

Susie is on the top row, second from the left.  I am next to her and our two older "stinker" brothers are next to me.  David is holding our cousin Patty and Bill is next to him with the dark hair.

Susan and I used to pick Pampas Grass flowers in the empty lot across the street from her house in El Cerrito.  We would stick two fronds each into the back of our shirt and pretend that we were angels. Now you are a real angel Susie.

 You will be missed.......

“Scars remind us that the past was real”  -- Shakespeare

Moving through the Void

My big brother Dave passed four years ago today. 

He was one of those guys that lived life to the fullest no matter what the consequence.  Can't you just tell by those well worn tennis shoes and that mischievous smile?


He was way too young, as he was only 59 years young.... but that was not my call to make.

And he was beautiful.

Dave and me at Mom & Dad's 50th Anniversary

He is more in my heart and soul now than when his body was here. We have conversations daily.  He brings me comfort.

Dave and my younger brother Tim

 

I have read and believe that when you are finished with what you were put on this earth to do, you pass.  And although I do not know exactly what he was here for, I know it was important.

Candy, Ryan, Katie, Brandon, Dave, Katie holding Cal and Brandon holding June.

He brought laughter, tears and joy to his family and friends.

He loved to play practical jokes.  So many were funny (when it was someone else) but some were painful if you were the target of his prank.

He did leave a huge void in our lives.

I mean who will be the prankster now???? We need some spirit in our lives!

Mom....Tim....Katie????  OK June, tag, you are it!

Love and miss you Dave -  Thank you for being a part of our lives!

XOXX - J

The Figurative Storm

Song - The Way We Were by Gladys Knight

Mt. Diablo from Kaiser Hospital in Antioch

Yes, I have been out of commission for the last few weeks as I have been helping my parents out.  My mom had hip replacement surgery and my dad needed some support.  Luckily I have a wonderful brother, sister-in-law & Mr. B to help out.

All went well and I brought mom home from the nursing facility this morning! 

So the figurative storm is passing......

It filled my heart with joy to see the two of them sitting in their beautiful backyard today, in the warm sun, holding hands!


"Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it."  --Alice Walker

Daniel

Song - Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd 

Life is short
and oh so fragile.

Hold it softly

Treasure it dearly.

Daniel...

The world feels a little quieter 

and very empty with out you here.

You will be missed. 



"We all shine on...." - John Lennon

Pause

My friends and family are going through a lot right now. Life is precious and sometimes I am reminded of that when there is a little bump in my daily routine, like when one of my boys gets the flu or the dog gets an ear infection that won't go away.
But lately there have been big life changing events for loved ones. At times it's frightening but when I pause and re-center myself, I am reminded that the universe has bigger plans.

Even a tiny insect causes me to pause now and wonder as to it's purpose in this world.  Everything works together in tiny microsystems and at times I forget how important these beings are. Right now I am pumping Morphine into my friend while she sleeps. She just had emergency surgery last night but she will be fine. This I feel deep in my soul. My cousin however had to make a heart retching decision yesterday that I just don't know how or where to hold. She had to make the decision to take her husband off of life support system after only 48 hours of finding out he was sick.  No time to deal.... or talk..... or dream..... or think before you lose your life's best friend.  I'm am so sad for her incredible loss. 

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude."-Denis Waitley